Just trying it on

Today I’m in Paris, France, and I’m thinking a lot about what identity means. As a neurodivergent person, I have made a habit of “masking” as far back as I can remember. This basically means to pretend to be normal or neurotypical in order to make your life easier.

I had a natural talent for acting as a kid, and even thought about trying to make that my career. And I’m so grateful for this ability because it did help me mask and fit in, and in turn a number of things in my life were probably made easier.

But it also made me very confused about my actual identity. I remember Tyra Banks on America’s Next Top Model always telling the girls that they need to bring their personality to their runway walk. And I just always thought, what is that? What is a “personality”? I was genuinely confused about it. Because my personality as I understood it was just being sarcastic and aloof but nice— which all happen to be useful but problematic coping mechanisms. And when I inevitably ran out of energy, I would burnout and turn into some version of the Hulk. I didn’t see how any of those attributes could be what Tyra was looking for.

Back then, I accidentally took on the “personalities” of those around me that I respected and that I thought I could pull off. I copied laughs, mannerisms, accents. I could even mimic an artist’s singing voice extremely well.

Of course if I had a friend that was really cheery and outgoing, super funny, or uncomplicated, I couldn’t really copy that. So I would become quieter and more awkward around them. I had one of these types of friends tell me I reminded him of Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development. Stuttering, awkward, trying hard to be nice and normal, and entirely not sure of himself.

So here I am, in Paris, thinking about all the unmasking I’ve done since then, and yet I’m still trying to dress to fit in. I’m still trying to not talk too much so I don’t give away that I’m not French. I’m still thinking constantly about French women and how they walk and how they move their mouths differently when they speak.

It’s so ingrained in me to do this kind of investigation that it takes conscious work to stop and think… but who am I actually? What posture is most authentic to me? What style of clothing and make up and hair is really my own?

Like all other mental health work, this is something that requires practice. I can start with the small things, like asking myself in the mirror in the morning what makeup feels right for me today in this moment. Or what posture feels right for me today?

Then as I go about my day decide: Do I feel outgoing or more introspective? Independent or like leaning into my support system? Rebellious or rule following? I get to listen to my body and my intuition and all other aspects of myself and decide.

This is the most wonderful part about this idea of personality and identity. That it is not some stagnant, definable thing. We are dynamic, living, breathing humans with so many moving parts.

And I think for now, I’m going to keep enjoying trying on the French Lady costume. I’m going to see what feels right and what doesn’t and just play while I learn more about myself.